editor’s note: this was originally published October 7, 2015
One day, I was pursuing the Cosmo snapchat as I do everyday, and they had an article about misconceptions in your 20's. One of those misconceptions was, "If your parents make you miserable, you don't have to force yourself to talk to them". I literally was flabbergasted because I literally am dealing with this struggle now. Society tells to us to cherish, respect, and love our parents.
But what happens, when your parents do not do the same to you?
It is a terrible misconception that society pressures us to talk to our parents when they really don't make us feel all that great after the conversation...or period a lot of times. You hang up the phone or leave the conversation more frustrated and sadder than when you enter the situation. Life is way too short to fill them with too many suppose to's & should be filled with doing things that make us feel good.
Honestly, talking to one of my parents always ends in either tears, anger, frustration, or all the above. Why do I constantly allow myself to be surrounded by so much negativity and bad vibes? Because society tells me I should do so because they are my parent, but when do you start to do what is for the betterment of yourself and not for others? Do you allow yourself to feel like a punching bag or constantly in turmoil because you feel some sort of obligation & you continue to be upset and sad?
It took me years, honestly, to get to this point of understanding that I could love that parent from a distance and begin to put my feelings first. I don't have to feel this sense of obligation to talk to them everyday or week, when most times their intent is to hurt if they are in a mood. With this one parent, I would find myself constantly blaming myself for our constant strife & took all their ill-willed words to heart. Feeling as if all those words were true, that were being said to me.
It got a whole lot better for me to remove myself from that poisonous energy, once I was independent and living on my own. There were no looming threats or constant fears of bare essentials to better myself being taken from me, i.e. cell phone turned off, car being taken, tuition not being paid for, or getting kicked out of the family house, (all of which have happened).
Once that was eliminated from the equation it made it easier for me to say to myself,
"Look, I love you, but I don't always have to talk to you."
No one needs negative energy and constant drama in their lives. If your family brings that to your atmosphere, let it go. I am telling you, you will live a much better and more stress-free life. I know it sounds cruel and unfeeling, but sometimes you have to love people from a far. I've learned that sometimes people do not know how to love properly because they were never truly taught from their own parents to love, and this all becomes a systematic effect that leads to you & your parent's relationship.
I addressed the problems with my parent multiple times. I have even suggested therapy sessions, but I was told we would & the sessions would never happen. The emotional abuse would begin again, and I was stuck at square one. I finally made the decision to start loving myself, when the effects of that parent's actions spilled over to my love life & work life...even to my friends. It is hard to distance yourself from someone who raised you, but as an adult you realize that if it something is toxic you have to learn to let go.
Once you have addressed the problem, and offered the avenues for help, and they still refuse to take it that help...you have to let people find their own path.
Just a couple tips to remember...
1) You have to love yourself more...always. I know you want to help, but you can't risk your own mental & physical health to be at stake.
2) You have to learn how to love people from a distance. Sometimes you want to help, but sometimes you have to help yourself & step away from the situation.
3) Whenever you feel yourself getting angry or frustrated, take deep breathes and remove yourself from the situation.
Always remember self-love & self-appreciation is the most important.
